I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
