Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
