Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
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I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
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No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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