Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
