Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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