how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
