No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Randomize
