the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
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He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
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I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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