I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Panties = found
Randomize
