Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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