I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
