Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
