if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
