Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
people are starting to question the shark bite story
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Randomize
