If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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