FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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