If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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