Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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