Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
