im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
