she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
