I'd wear matching sweaters with you
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
