I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
