I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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