i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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