I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
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