I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
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