Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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