god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
