my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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