please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
