two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
