Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I am midnight drunk by noon
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
