found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
