i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
