i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
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