and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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