Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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