What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
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