in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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