Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
a search helicopter?!
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
A bitchslap is in order.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
