Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
