finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Randomize
