i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
This gyro tastes like lonliness
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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