a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
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Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
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Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
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