You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
