You're a womanizer and a bitch.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
