Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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