I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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