Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
