Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
