I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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