Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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