You don't have asthma, your pregnant
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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