Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
