; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
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