I just threw up on my dentist
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
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